Christianity: The videogame.

Storyline : 6/10 – The storyline to Christianity is somewhat compelling, I wouldn’t say it’s at all unoriginal, although it is somewhat unbelievable and at times, it can feel slightly lack-luster, although I blame one programmer more than others for this – namely Luke. In the game NPC Joseph’s hoe gets banged up by some almighty Deity who fucks off and abandons the child and all responsibility- obviously a black God.

Joseph raises the child as his own, because he’s a fairly ok kinda guy. The game really starts after all the initial somewhat tedious cut-scenes at the start, we find ourselves in control of a half-God-half-boy, 13 year old; Jesus, arguing with some Jews. This is followed by some more tedious cut-scenes following which we find ourself in control of Jesus once again, now grown up and performing miracles for the good of humanity, spreading a somewhat convoluted message that requires your followers to sit and scratch their heads for several hours before finally figuring out that your metaphor was simply stating that you can feed a larger number of people with fish and bread by a method known as “slicing” the food into smaller segments.

Graphics :
7/10 – fairly life-like, sometimes leaves a bit to desire, most notably in regards to the weather conditions and locations, a scene or two outside of desert terrain would have been nice.

Playability : 3/10 While the storyline and the graphics are fairly fun, I found myself losing interest in the game about halfway through, entering cheat codes, most notably, the independent thought (L1 + R1 +L2 +R2, X, O, X, X, O, Triangle Square) cheat, and the common sense prevails (L1, R1, R2, X, O, Triangle, X, O, O) cheat, which only served to ruin my gaming experience and force me to look to something new, like not being a fucking idiot, and science.

There is no real aim to the game, as everything is unfortunately pre-destined by God, you can contribute to the game slightly, kicking over a table or two, and walking on water on occasion, but for the vast majority of the game, you don’t actually play, you just watch, only God gets to play, he’s really childish that way and this does somewhat detract from the gameplay experience.

Multiplayer Mode : 3/10 Multiplayer mode is unfortunately just as tedious as single player mode, God again takes control of both you and your friend’s characters for the majority of the game and only gives you and your friends a go when he needs a pee break, and even then he only gives you a go during the cut-scenes.

Online Mode : There is no online mode. Fairly disappointing.

Summary : Christianity is a fairly lackluster waste of your and my time. Maybe play it on a Sunday, when you’ve got nothing else to do.

Published in: on 16/03/2009 at 1:28 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Interesting blog, I’ll try and spread the word.

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