1. You can only tell what time it is by how many drinks you’ve had… Oh, look at that, it’s 3 whiskeys past a vodka.
2. You have no friends.
3. The friends you do have are over 60, unemployed and hate everything, including you.
4. You wake up in bed at 3am, wet yourself, then go back to sleep.
5. You don’t so much go to bed as you do fall into the bed, miss, and smash your face in the floor. You then make no effort to correct this error.
6. Being drenched from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.
7. Your daughter asks you,
“where do unicorns live?” To which you respond,
“You’re why daddy drinks…”
8. Your idea of a romantic night out with your partner is starting a fight with the waitress in your local McDonald’s because she wont let you light a candle on your anniversary (which was actually 3 weeks ago) due to it being a fire hazard and also your drunkenness.
9. Drenching your friends from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.
10. You pass out before reading this far.