I was going to update this.

But I didn’t.


What apps do I have?

I don’t have “apps” I have fucking applications because I’m not a fucking cunt.

Stop fucking abbreviating everything in the name of sounding fucking cool and hip.

The only “app” your ipone needs is a sharp rusty pike that pins your skull to the curb any time you say “app” instead of application “because” you think it’s cool and hip to do so because iphone adverts told you so.

Also, how about an app to pull your god damned trousers up, I’m sick of seeing you faggoty assed nancy boys prancing around with your asses showing, your ass is not sexy, it is a lump of shit, go to the gym and get some proper trousers that fit.

Also, you need an app that teaches you some God damned manners, how about an app that turns your phone off when you’re around other people, oh wait, you need to not have an iphone to have that because it’s called fucking civility and only people who aren’t utter cunts have it.

My phone is a 4 year old, pay as you go, brick which can only accept incoming calls. It has two games, snake, and snake two, and it doesn’t have a colour screen and it’s battery lasts approx 12 hours. When somebody calls me it goes “ring, ring”, instead of “I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT! HOPE MY BOYFRIEND DON’T MIND IT!” over and over again.

Why own this instead of an iphone? Because my phone doesn’t turn me into a raging trend hopping metrosexual faggot. Instead of changing me, my phone reflects who I am, and that is a heterosexual man’s man.

Fuck your technology and your faggotry, they are one and the same.

Published in: on 01/10/2009 at 11:53 am  Comments (1)  
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Some female propaganda.

I found this, apparently, it’s “27 ways to make a girl smile,” as far as I and you are concerned it’s “27 ways to friendzone yourself like a complete fucking faggot and be seen as ‘another one of the girls’ like some cockless eunich.” The original list of “27 ways to make a girl smile” or as far as I and you are concerned the “27 ways to friendzone yourself like a complete fucking faggot and be seen as ‘another one of the girls’ like some cockless eunich,” is in regular font, my changes are in italics.

1. Tell her she is beautiful (not hot, fine, or sexy)
Don’t compliment women until you’re sure you’re just about to fuck them, and even then it’s dodgy territory.

2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.
Holding hands is for faggots.

3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
You know who kisses women on the forehead?

…Their gay friends. That’s who. Are you a gay friend?

4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
Yea, that’s nice, but here’s how a man wakes up

1., wake up,
2., have a piss and a shit,
3., maybe, if you’re feeling up to it, have a wank

Note how nowhere in that list did I say “leave her a voice message like a stalker faggot with no social skills.”

5 . Always tell her you love her every second of the day.
Or, don’t say it in excess of once every 3 days and make her work for it.

6 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
When she is upset; get a new one; she’s broken.

7 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
Or, alternatively, just an idea, WHO THE FUCK CARES?

8 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
You know who sings Barry White? That’s right, Barry fucking White, let’s keep it that way shit fuck, I don’t need to hear you woeing your walking vagina with your tone deaf bullshit.

9 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
Or ignore her when you’re with other women. Sometimes the most counter productive methods are the most effective, and by sometimes, I mean pretty much all the time, and by pretty much all the time, I mean do what I say faggot.

10 . Write her notes. (she loves them)
The only note you write in your lifetime should be addressed to your family and when you finish writing it you should take a long sip of whiskey and shoot yourself in the head in your study.

11 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend.
If she actually is your girlfriend, other wise it’s weird. Actually, on second thought, if she is your girlfriend, introduce her as “some girl I met in the pub earlier,” women love an asshole.

12 . Play with her hair.
Don’t you’re an idiot, you’ll just get tangled in it and make a mess.

13 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.
Or beat her.

14 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
Parks are for drinking and frisby, nothing else.

15 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.
Stupid jokes = goofy = friendzone, boring jokes = boring = friendzone. Jokes = dated and boring = friendzone, write an anecdote, or even better actually have a real one to tell. Then beat her.

16 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night . . . just because you missed her.
Don’t go near her house in the middle of the night, unless you’re burning it to the ground in the name of vengeance, otherwise, you’re a faggot.

17 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Then have sex with her.

18. Carve your names into a tree.
Then have sex with her.

19 . If she’s mad at you, kiss her.
Then rape her.

20 . Give her piggyback rides.

21 . Bring her flowers
Then have sex with her.

22 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.
Don’t, your friends will think you’re a faggot, because chances are you act like a faggot when you’re alone with this bitch.

23 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
Or fuck her from behind and make funny faces.

24 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
Especially if she’s fucking you while taking pictures. You’ll need them for when you fail and get dumped.

25 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn’t any music playing.
If you’re both slow children who travel in the special bus and wear suspenders and socks up to their knees.

26 . Kiss her in the rain.
Don’t the rain is shit, it’s not romantic, it’s not French and whimsical and magical, it’s retarded and you’ll catch the cold.

27 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.
If you’re in love with her, you lost the game.

I like how initially when I started writing this I was actually trying to give real advice, since if a man does everything on this list he’ll friendzone himself after about 3 days, then after about…well… point 1 really I just started being a complete ass.

This is actually little more than a reflection on how horrifically I treat women.

I love being a complete cunt.

Society; It Just Keeps Winning These Days…

Thank you knife crime!

Thank you knife crime!

Heard of Peter Tyler Juett? No? That’s because he’s an insignificant speck of useless genetic waste that society should be proud to have, all be it, inadvertently, pushed off of the mortal coil.

Just to give you a bit of a back-story, in case you don’t know or like me didn’t really give a flying fuck, here’s the Daily Mail’s take:

The suspected burglar, 17-year-old Tyler Juett, was killed after he was allegedly caught breaking into a house in Old Basford, Nottingham…One visitor [in regards to the website set up in support of the stabber] claimed Juett deserved his fate, adding: ‘This dude is a pretty cool guy. He stabs thug wanna-bes and isn’t afraid of anything.’

First off, I fail to see why we are still calling this ‘suspected burglary’, if there’s foul play involved and they picked the kid off the streets and killed him for the lulz then who the fuck really cares? So let’s just cut to the chase and all agree to call it a burglary. Just look at that kid’s retarded face, how could he be of any use to our society? Let’s face it guys, we’re not losing a Nobel Prize winner her, we’re losing some malignant, shit-munching, scum-dreg who’s biggest achievement in life would have been to father 3 children by the age of 23 (further degrading the value I and you place on life, and ruining society in general.)

I am fed up with you butt-hurt liberals crying like a child who’s been kicked in the cunt every time some fucking idiot gets himself killed.

His mother Michelle, 34, refused to speak to the press but wrote on her Facebook page: ‘Why, why, why, why, why? I want my baby back.’ – Daily Mail, again.

Why? Why, you malignant, shit wrapping, faeces flinging troglodyte? Why? You’re honestly asking why? I’ll tell you why, because 1., You clearly can’t raise a child for shit and 2., because he burgled somebody like a fucking useless tool.

Michelle, the mother, or, inconsiderate wombatron, as I’m going to refer to her from now on, is pretty much the reason I believe having children is not a right, it is a privilege and should be treated as such, you should have to take a parenting test, spend months in parenting courses, and be awarded a ‘licence to breed by the state.’ It astounds me that in this fucking country, you need to be 18 to drink, yet only 16 to fuck, what the fuck is going on? Seriously, you fucking idiots prance around as if having kids is some magical miracle and they just fucking raise themselves, you act like you all DESERVE to have children, when quite frankly it’s brutally obvious that a vast majority of the population are useless genetic dregs on the lowest possible stage of the evolutionary ladder, with no right to re-introduce their DNA strands to society by shitting out more womb-waste.

Your child is dead because you were a shit mother.

Paramedics tried to save the teenager – Daily Express.

Why did you bother? Some life isn’t worth saving.

A police spokesman said: “In an effort to establish the circumstances which led up to the death we would ask anyone who was in and around the area at that time on March 13 to cast their minds back to see if they can remember anyone acting suspiciously. – Daily Express.

Again, why bother? It’s a complete waste of tax payer money, give whoever stabbed him a fucking medle and a parade and encourage more people to defend themselves and their homes.

A neighbour is quoted as saying : “They are good people who live in that house. They are very co-operative and nice. “ – Well, I’m glad they managed to co-operate that knife into that little ‘solja’ faggots gut.

What the fuck is a solja anyway? Anybody who calls themselves a fucking solja should be incinerated.

You fucks are lucky I don’t run this nation.

Oh, and Tyler Peter Juett? What a fucking retarded name, if you’re going to fall short on raising your kids the least you can do is not force them to live out what short lives they’re going to have with some french bullshit girly boy hybrid name that just sounds like a really fucking bad economic jet.

Society Wins, Again.

I think it’s fair to say that if the entire cast of the Harry Potter movies, anybody who’s read a Harry Potter Book and that cunt J.K. Rowling were all to die the world would be a much better place.

So thank you to the knife happy hero who decided to take Robert Knox out of the gene pool.

Some cunt who shouldnt be allowed to breed, oh, and Robert Knox is in there somewhere too, although Ill be frank, I dont know or care to know which one he is, all I see is genetic waste all over the show.

Some cunt who shouldn't be allowed to breed, oh, and Robert Knox is in there somewhere too, although I'll be frank, I don't know or care to know which one he is, all I see is genetic waste all over the show.

Published in: on 23/02/2009 at 1:42 am  Leave a Comment  
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British populace gets lazy and stops voting; BNP related hilarity ensues.

It’s been a while since I took the time to piss all over the English language in a vulgar display of cantankerous hate, so I thought today, I’d take the time to grab my thoughts and feelings by the throat and vigorously slam them all over your much loved internet where they can act as a general offence to the visual senses.

First off, can everybody stop fucking acting like they give half a flying shit about the BNP getting a couple of council seats? Let’s face it, you fuck tards did this shit to yourself. You resigned to apathy and stopped voting because you took what you had for granted, then as soon as the government goes to shit (because you won’t vote) you winge and cry like a bunch of cretinous children who’ve just had their breakfast pancakes, which were sprinkled with love by mummy, shit all over.

If you refuse to vote you’ll get a shit government, and if you don’t vote, then you lose the right to complain, because you’re the one who caused this fucking situation and you’re a shit stain on the face of society.

Voting should be mother-fucking mandatory, literally, if you don’t vote, by law, a big burley mother fucker should come to your house and fuck your mum in the ass, with no porno dialogue, no “can I fix your plumbing,” he just comes in and fucks her, that would teach you apathetic cunts to stop ruining democracy.

Secondly, boo hoo bankers are slicing their businesses up and giving themselves bonuses, you know what? Why don’t you sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up about it, no, they aren’t “banksters” or whatever the fuck silly little word the sun has plastered them with, they are business owners, when you own a sinking business you slice it up, sell it off, and make as much out of it before it’s collapse as you can, they own more shares than you, ergo they own more of the company than you, ergo they can do whatever the fuck they want, because their vote outweighs yours, now stop crying like a bitter little child just because you work on a fucking Plasticine assembly line with 30 other cretins.

Thirdly, “I lost my job a month ago and can’t get a new one,” I wonder why, perhaps this is because you worked on an assembly line for 30 years, and now won’t resign to the reality of the situation that you should do something new, because, guess what, BRITAIN’S MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY HAS BEEN DYING FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS, AND WE ARE A FUCKING NATION OF MIDDLE MEN. Get a job in a call centre or behind a till job behind a till. There are tons of places that are hiring, and those that aren’t are always having staff leaving that need replacing. Stop crying and get a new job you fuck. You’re not special and you’re not above any job, you’re as worthless as the economy you drove into the fucking ground with your apathy and tribal voting. Fuck yourself with a 50 ft rake and die.

Fourth, if you love Obama you’re probably the most hated of all racists, the accidental racist, i.e., a fucking idiot.

Finally, the BNPs recent success in polls has promted a wave of media bullshit claiming that BNP members getting seats will only serve to divide Britain in terms of race… What fucking magical cloud are you living in!? Britain IS racially divided. Here I’ll lay it the fuck out for you.

White people live beside white people,
Chinese people live beside Chinese people,
black people live beside black people,
Arabs live beside…can you guess? THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, ARABS!

You getting the fucking picture yet Johnny twat face?

Jesus fucking Christ, this country is not a multicultural diverse wonderland of racial integration it’s that £3 jig saw puzzle you buy for your little sister at Christmas that has 100 pieces but only comes with 83 and when put together it makes a picture of a puddle of fucking dog sick.

For racial integration to work you need to break down ghettos and racial separation in terms of living areas, WHICH ISN’T HAPPENING, oh coincidentally, everyone who comes here hates us.

I know you love to believe that you’re Captain fucking diversity because you ignorantly bow to Asians when you first meet them and shout “omg that’s how you say hello isn’t it LOL!” in their faces and talk to black people about Chris Rock and the Wu-Tang Clan, but you’re not Captain Diversity, you’re just a dick and all your ethnic minority friends hate you because you’re an ignorant PC tool.

Anybody who follows Islam hates you, stop trying to integrate with Islamics, it’s retarded, fuck your PC bullshit, Islam is an evil religion.

The hilarious part of this is, no matter how many people tell you this, you prance around like a bunch of nancy boy faggots, trying to get through to you people is like trying to fuck through a hymen made of titanium.

Fuck Britain. Fuck you, you deserve this.

Published in: on 23/02/2009 at 1:17 am  Leave a Comment  
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Daniel Radcliff’s stunt double was injured today.

It was 7:35 am, I had just sat down to watch the morning news, because for once, I was both awake at an early hour, and not drunk of my fucking tits from the night before. So needless to say, being up at 7:35 demands some Penny from GMTV and maybe a quick wank… (Penny is by far my favourite presenter… I’ve squezed more out to her than I have to any girlfriend…)

Anyway, I had just caught the words “Daniel Radcliff was seriously injured in a stunt” as they scrolled along the bottom of the screen. “YES!” I screamed, in what can only be described as a childish display of exhilaration in the knowledge that that pathetic little fuck stain was possibly hopefully maybe going to die and get the fuck out of my gene pool once and for all…

Alas, as usual I was just being fucked around. The same headline scrolled along once again. “The stunt double for Daniel Radcliff was seriously injured in a stunt.” Surely “Daniel Radcliff’s stunt double” would have prevented this confusion, fuck you GMTV, fuck you for once again getting my fucking hopes up and making me think there was yet some chance of me finding a glimmer of happiness in my life. Fuck…You…

I hope that fuck Radcliff dies in a freak fire ant insect attack and his flesh is torn from his body as his family are forced to watch (they deserve to suffer for being so retarded as to believe they were worthy of passing on their genetic seed) by swarms of pissed off ants. Fucking poncey little bastard.

“Oh hello there, I just did my A levels, so needless to say, I’ve become a pompous asshole who knows everything, might as well go wank over how artistic I am by standing naked beside a fucking horse for 2 hours!!!”

Fuck you Radcliff.

Published in: on 29/01/2009 at 9:54 am  Comments (1)  
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