Oh, if I could compare thee to a post-apocalypic fear factory.

Just in case you weren’t drugged up to the eyes on fear and anxiety already, the media has found a new ‘global disaster’ story to perpetually masturbate to. I speak of course of swine flu…

Unless you have a rampantly uncontrollable pig fetish and start rubbing their sweaty balls in your face, while masturbating in a pool of your own filth and having a goat take you from behind you’re relatively safe from the dangers posed by swine flu. The best part is that even if you do that, chances are you won’t actually die from swine flu, unless you live in a shit hole country where the health service consists of a voodoo medicine man doing a dance around you and blowing some weird shit in your face to ward of infection, like Mexico.

Note that the only deaths from swine flu so far have been children with fuck all immune system, the elderly, and Mexicans. Let’s face it, your kids suck, the elderly have fuck all use to society except keeping public transport well funded and nobody likes Mexico anyway.

Besides, you live in Britain, if you have swine flu just go to your GP pump yourself full of drugs and do what you’d do with regular flu, sure you’ll probably die from MRSA following your trip to the GP because British medical staff insist on wanking all over themselves and everything around them and rubbing their shit all over themselves (at least this is my hypothesis as it’s the only thing I can think of that could cause the infection rates we have), but you can rest assured knowing that we can deal with the swine flu…

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Published in: on 03/05/2009 at 5:02 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Which is more fag-tastic? AIDs or Twilight?

Since Twilight is the biggest pile of malignant, steaming, dinosaur diarrhoea I’ve ever had the misfortune of having been bombarded with – by both retarded, illiterate, emo, shit stains (who you’d be forgiven for thinking are little more than a mass of extras from the lesser known B movie: ‘Chernobyl: the aftermath,’) the media, and countless cretins, perpetually masturbating, in orgasmic delight, to whoever decided to cast that potato headed, mongoloid, queer bait, cunt faced, twat browed, fuck basket as the star (I don’t know or care to know his name) – I’ve decided to conduct some research…

Today we’ll be finding out just how fagtastically bum loving Twilight is.

In Pie Chart A, as illustrated below, we see, through seconds of painstaking research, that Twilight is vastly more bum loving than AIDs:

Having AIDs, it's considerably less gay than watching or reading Twilight...

Having AIDs; it's considerably less gay than watching Twilight... You read it, it's official.

In the next step in concluding just how much of an ass-ramming-bumathon Twilight is, I compared it to a prostate massage.

See Pie Chart B, below, for the results of my painstaking research:

Prostate Massages; recieving one, or giving one, is less gay than watching Twilight... Getting the picture yet you bum loving sphinctal explorer?

Prostate Massages; receiving one, or giving one, is less gay than watching Twilight... Getting the picture yet you bum loving sphinctal explorer?

When I finished my research, I decided that this isn’t really enough to decide once and for all that Twilight is the most massively, homosexual, steaming pile of horse shit ever…

So, I decided to put Twilight to one final test.

If Clint Eastwood watches Twilight in its entirety, then Twilight is officially not a bum licking festival of rampant rent boy abuse, if however, Clint Eastwood cannot watch Twilight in its entirety, then Twilight is, as I thought before conducting this research, a steaming pile of accidentally spilt bum fudge fueled by Gay Pride, sprinkled with the AIDs infested cum of 607k AIDs suffering bum lovers who perpetually masturbate to prostate massages…

Here are the results of the ‘Clint Eastwood test’ as captured on digital camera:

clinteastwoodwatchingtwilightclinteastwoodonwatchingtwilight
I guess that settles it:

If you watch Twilight, you might as well be watching Brokeback Mountain; watching Twilight is the equivalent of masturbating with a rabid (same sex) badger with a dildo up it’s ass and Twilight itself is to the arts what Nazi Germany was to diversity, multiculturalism and acceptance.