Bending To The Beats… (This title will be 300% funnier when you finish reading this blog.)

So my friend’s handicapped brother, let’s call him, Jack, decided he can live a normal life just like the rest of us… Making a decision like that as a handicapped person usually is quite a proud and momentous occasion for handicapped people, often it marks the end of being cared for and looked after the beginning of their own attempt or success in the field of self-sufficiency…

Now, call me cruel if you will, but I just thought it was a good excuse to get him wasted off his tits and leave him in the middle of nowhere for the lulz.

So we take him out to this club, Thompsons it’s called, a nice enough club, if you like E-heads rubbing their faces against your 100% cotton jumper for three hours. Cotton jumpers are like E-head magnets, I had like 6 of them rubbing my jumper at one point. I think one of them actually followed me home… Which is slightly worrying.

Anyway, we took our handicapped friend to a club and fed him full of Es…  And I have to tell you ladies and gentlemen… You have not seen funny untill you’ve witnessed the hilarious vision of a man with cystic fibrosis raving and dancing to pounding, pounding techno beats. I dare say it is the funniest imagery I have ever been witness to. Incase you’ve never seen a man with cystic fibrosis, off his tits on Es, dancing to techno, it looks a little like I imagine the Stretch Armstrong toy would look if you melted his arms and legs then threw him down the stairs.

Many hours later when he’d had his fill of being the only man on the dance floor, very much like a dancing version of the elephant man, he decided he wanted to go home. He was pretty off it, so we put him in a taxi and sent the taxi to Dublin…

We haven’t heard from him since… Hope he doesn’t have to walk home, I can’t imagine he’ll get too far with his legs, probably be better off walking home on his hands…

I wonder if he still thinks he can lead a normal life… I don’t think witnessing a man with cystic fibrosis walking over 60 miles on his hands is normal… Then again if he does it we may well have accidentally created the ultimate endurance sport…

…All jokes aside, if you do see a man with cystic fibrosis walking towards Belfast from Dublin do be a nice chap and pick him up, as we may or may not have sent him down there with no money… Or clothes.

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Published in: on 26/11/2009 at 4:38 pm  Comments (1)  
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Islamic? Go fuck yourself!

There is only one thing I find funnier than religion and that’s an epileptic in a fuckin’ techno rave, I tell a lie I also think women’s rights are far funnier.

As per usual the Islamic fuck-stain populace of Britain has been prancing about like a bunch of faggots protesting the return of British soldiers. So I thought I’d write a little blog.

In all honesty this blog is going to shit all over Islam, the Qu’ran and Muslim’s all over the world, I’d say “if you’re offended don’t read further,” but like the self-righteous, religious, shit-fairies you are you’ll just read on anyway, in order to be offended so you can cry like an 11 year old in confession, who’s having Priest Jim O’Doherty’s paedophilic pole of whimsical forgiveness shoved down his throat.

The Qu’ran is of course a great piece of reading material; well, I say that, what I mean really is that it’s a great way to get ahead in the world of bomb making apprenticeships and organised hate crime…

Now, that’s just my personal view on the issue, 1.8 billion people think it’s the second best book in the world, right after J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter. Let’s face it, the two books probably contain about the same amount of truth to them… With a slight lead in favour of Harry Potter.

There was a great story in the news a while ago, about US and UK soldiers using the Qu’ran as toilet paper. A part of me was like “Woo desecrating a holy book,” but on the other hand there was a part of me which was kinda just thinking, “wiping you’re arse with the Qu’ran, bit like wiping you’re ass with bull-shit; slightly redundant.”

Now obviously my views are my own, I have researched this and personally I think all religion is immoral and wrong and Islam is hateful and intolerant, and some might find my views offensive, but then they can go and fuck themselves, or better still, prove my point and blow me up, either way I’m happy… That’s a very Northern Irish trait, “hmm, I don’t mind dying as long as you prove me right in the process, you fuck”

I say I’ve researched this; really what I mean, is that like most 19 year olds, I looked up wikipedia, got bored, then started looking up porn and weird shit.

My computer is just like a big magic box filled with porn, it’s like the black hole of filth. It’s wonderful.

Anyway, Here’s what I got from Wikipedia:

“The Qu’ran, written in 1612 by Sir Francis Bacon (and published by a giant flying cunt monster) is a fantasy based novella, revolving around wizardry, magic and invisible men in the sky; it is a fan-fiction based on a previous fictitious work known as “the bible” (written by Tom Clancy); critics at the time lambasted the book, one reviewer commenting:
“I’d rather read my father’s athletes foot with my tongue than read this self-indulgent package of complete ball-twattery”

Seem’s fairly accurate to me.

You might be wondering,
“well now, what’s the Qu’ran all about?”

The books main themes include but are not limited to acceptance of other cultures and ideas, hating everything and blowing the shit out of anybody who doesn’t agree with your narrow minded bullshit, embracement of women’s rights, beating women, and of course acceptance of your fellow man regardless of his or her sexual orientation stoning the gays.

Religion just makes no sense to me, for instance, Islam, believes in both pre-destination, AND, free-will… That’s kinda like attending a pro-women’s rights rally then going home to beat your wife.

Fun fact of the day: Mohammed waged wars on the Jews, Hindus and Buddhists, coincidentally, the assault on the Buddhists must have been fairly fast, the worst thing a Buddhist’s gonna do is set himself on fire, but I guess that gives Mohammed more time to fuck kids, so everybody wins really.

I have said an awful lot about Islam, but don’t get me wrong, Christianity’s no better in my eyes: “Stone the gays, fuck the Jews, let’s eat some magical Jesus bread.” What the fuck is that shit all about.

Anyway, in summary if you’re an Islamic fuck bag you can just go fuck yourself and get the fuck out of my country, is that an intolerant stand point to take? You’re God damned fucking right it is.

Fuck Allah, Muhammed’s a paedophile, eat shit and die.

Published in: on 16/03/2009 at 12:13 am  Leave a Comment  
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