10 Ways You Know You’re An Alcoholic.

1.  You can only tell what time it is by how many drinks you’ve had… Oh, look at that, it’s 3 whiskeys past a vodka.

2. You have no friends.

3. The friends you do have are over 60, unemployed and hate everything, including you.

4. You wake up in bed at 3am, wet yourself, then go back to sleep.

5. You don’t so much go to bed as you do fall into the bed, miss, and smash your face in the floor. You then make no effort to correct this error.

6. Being drenched from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.

7. Your daughter asks you,

“where do unicorns live?” To which you respond,

“You’re why daddy drinks…”

8. Your idea of a romantic night out with your partner is starting a fight with the waitress in your local McDonald’s because she wont let you light a candle on your anniversary (which was actually 3 weeks ago) due to it being a fire hazard and also your drunkenness.

9. Drenching your friends from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.

10. You pass out before reading this far.

My tribute to Jade Goody; the people’s princess, and her family.

I wanted to say that Jade Goody was as useful to society as the cancer that devoured her reproductive organs, but in fairness, this isn’t entirely true, the death of Jade Goody proves cancer has a purpose in society…

A list of 30 things I hate.

1., You,
2., Everything you stand for,
3., Women,
4., Pretty much anybody who’s a Liberal,
5., The poor,
6., Blacks,
7., Homosexuals,
8., Whites,
9., Barry Fucking Manilow,
10., Heterosexuals,
11., Eskimos – who the fuck do they think they are?
12., Metrosexuals,
13., Coldplay’s latest album,
14., Your mum,
15., Australia,
16., Every album Coldplay released previous to their latest album,
17., Anybody who listens to Coldplay,
18., Coldplay,
19., Change,
20., Anybody who watches Sex and City and thinks that it’s ok to act like they’re Carry (or whatever that wind-bag-shit-churning-cum-receptical’s name is) in real life,
21., People who call it “Sex in the City” – not that I really give a shit, since the series is equal in value to my last wank which landed all over the carpet because I didn’t have any tissues ready because I was absolutely dying for a wank because I’d been thinking about my girlfriend the whole car journey home and didn’t have the foresight to think “oh wait I’m going to need tissues,” no rather I just pulled my pants down around my ankles and went for it like a doberman on steroids tearing a baby’s face off,
22., Liberals,
23., Being so desperate for a wank that I don’t bother or remember to have tissues at the ready,
24., Jade Goodie,
25., Liberals,
26., George Lucas – because of what he did to Star Wars,
27., George Lucas – because of what he did to Indiana Jones,
28., Harrison Ford – for being the worst actor on the planet, and also for playing a part in the general shit fest that is the Indiana Jones franchise that my idiot girlfriend won’t ever fucking shut up about,
29., People who quote movies or series they know I don’t watch,
30., People,

Published in: on 16/03/2009 at 12:50 am  Comments (1)  
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