10 Ways You Know You’re An Alcoholic.

1.  You can only tell what time it is by how many drinks you’ve had… Oh, look at that, it’s 3 whiskeys past a vodka.

2. You have no friends.

3. The friends you do have are over 60, unemployed and hate everything, including you.

4. You wake up in bed at 3am, wet yourself, then go back to sleep.

5. You don’t so much go to bed as you do fall into the bed, miss, and smash your face in the floor. You then make no effort to correct this error.

6. Being drenched from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.

7. Your daughter asks you,

“where do unicorns live?” To which you respond,

“You’re why daddy drinks…”

8. Your idea of a romantic night out with your partner is starting a fight with the waitress in your local McDonald’s because she wont let you light a candle on your anniversary (which was actually 3 weeks ago) due to it being a fire hazard and also your drunkenness.

9. Drenching your friends from head to toe in your own vomit and urine is no longer the ‘faux pas’ it used to be.

10. You pass out before reading this far.

Oh, if I could compare thee to a post-apocalypic fear factory.

Just in case you weren’t drugged up to the eyes on fear and anxiety already, the media has found a new ‘global disaster’ story to perpetually masturbate to. I speak of course of swine flu…

Unless you have a rampantly uncontrollable pig fetish and start rubbing their sweaty balls in your face, while masturbating in a pool of your own filth and having a goat take you from behind you’re relatively safe from the dangers posed by swine flu. The best part is that even if you do that, chances are you won’t actually die from swine flu, unless you live in a shit hole country where the health service consists of a voodoo medicine man doing a dance around you and blowing some weird shit in your face to ward of infection, like Mexico.

Note that the only deaths from swine flu so far have been children with fuck all immune system, the elderly, and Mexicans. Let’s face it, your kids suck, the elderly have fuck all use to society except keeping public transport well funded and nobody likes Mexico anyway.

Besides, you live in Britain, if you have swine flu just go to your GP pump yourself full of drugs and do what you’d do with regular flu, sure you’ll probably die from MRSA following your trip to the GP because British medical staff insist on wanking all over themselves and everything around them and rubbing their shit all over themselves (at least this is my hypothesis as it’s the only thing I can think of that could cause the infection rates we have), but you can rest assured knowing that we can deal with the swine flu…

Published in: on 03/05/2009 at 5:02 pm  Leave a Comment  
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