20 Things I find more sexually satisfying than a wank.

There are few things in this life I find more satisfying than a good wank. A good wank has it all. There are indeed, many different kinds of wank.

The relaxing wank. The nice calming wank one has after a hard days work in the porno industry.

The surprising wank. The one you didn’t think was going to happen but by no real will of your own, your hands just go rummaging down there looking for a good time.

The surprised wank. The difference between the surprising wank and the surprised wank being that the surprised wank occurs when somebody walks in in the middle of it. Usually when this happens I just give them the thumbs up and ask them if they’d like to give me a hand.

The degradation wank; all over a woman’s face.

Masturbation is indeed quite a wondrous past-time and few activities in my life over-take it in terms of the sense of endearment I have toward it.

However I have compiled a small list of things I find more sexually satisfying than a wank.

1. Sex, obviously.
2. Watching the Special Olympics.
3. Smelling books.
4. Lebensraum.
5. News stories regarding small villages being burnt to the ground.
6. Pushing my woman out of my bed after a blow job.
7. That woman on GMTV.
8. Smoking.
9. Degrading somebody in public.
10. Degrading somebody in private.
11. Gas-lighting women.
12. Deliberately trying to cum as fast as I can during sex, in the name of being a cunt, then falling asleep.
13. Being a cunt.
14. Using the word, “cunt.”
15. Making women feel horrible about themselves, generally this is achieved by fucking them in lurid places, alleyways, construction sites, their dead grandmothers bed…
16. Degrading women.
17. Being really vigorously anti-PC in everything I do and say.
18. Shouting “WATCH OUT HE’S GOT A KNIFE!” Every time I see a black man. Just to see how many people will look at him first.
19. Kicking penguins.
20. Being a raging dick head.